Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
