please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
