I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
