Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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