My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Randomize
