I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
