You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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