Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
