so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
