I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
