We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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