You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
