it was like eating out sand paper
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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