I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
