If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
