Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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