Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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