Cold hands, warm shart.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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