if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
