I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
We need a shit load of segways right now
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
