so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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