he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
