My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Too much gin, very little bucket
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
