man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
