Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
