i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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