so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
