So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
