its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
