I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
