The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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