it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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