My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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