First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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