he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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