dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
