Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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