I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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