my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
