did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
