Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
