i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
