I hate your face
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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