you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
