party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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