when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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