Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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