some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
