Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
