I have demons in me.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
She needs sedatives and a leash
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I smell like Dick and happiness
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize