Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
only you would photoshop your dick
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
