i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Randomize
