so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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