Im at strip club and am horny
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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