When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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