I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
