I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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