last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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