i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
