she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
