I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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